Kindly check my essay. Does it come under the standards of the IELTS test?

Cambridge course book 1
Question: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

For many people, in the world of today, music is a source of entertainment. In such a busy and tiring routine one needs to feel relaxed and at peace. This feeling can be attained from listening to music that suits you. There are various kinds of music. For example, pop, rock, jazz, folk music etc. But basically there are two major kinds: traditional and international music. We have to ponder that music which makes a country known to the whole world is of much importance or music that comes from your elders?
Some people say that traditional music keeps the music history of a country alive but I believe that international music makes a country known to numerous countries. Music which is known to other countries will attract them and they will even compete. For example, music created by Pakistanis that has an international touch will be considerable than pure traditional music of Pakistan for international music charts.
According to some people traditional music is a gift from elders and it can not be abandoned but some people say that it can be kept alive by blending it with international music. In this way traditional music of a country will also get acknowledgement.
Traditional music is more liked by the people of a particular country whereas international music attracts people of various countries. So, if a person wants to convey some message to everybody he can do it easily through the music that is more liked by them. For example, a person can promote message of peace, prevention from aids through music which is more listened all around the world.
In conclusion music which makes you known to the world holds more importance. It is a sort of music that is effective in conveying your message quite easily.

seems  good, just try to use kinds of patterns in sentence

Hi! Good points:
1. You gave specific examples of music.
2. You have an ideal number of paragraphs which is 5.
3. Your reasoning is sound.
4. You've made use of varied vocabulary.

Points for improvement:
1. Review your use of punctuations especially the use of commas. Add them where it's necessary.
2. Avoid 2 sentence paragraphs. Have at least 3-5 sentences per paragraph.
3. Improve your organization by using transition words such as first, second.

Good job!

Sorry I am going to disagree.

The essay is on the right lines but it does need work.

Where I think much of the problem is the 5 paragraph structure. You can of course write 5 paragraphs, but it is far from ideal. One reason for this is it tempts you to write too many words. This essay is approximately 300 words - that's too many. Put simply: the more words you write, the less efficient you become and the more mistakes you make - aim for about 275.

Another problem with this essay is that your paragraphs are poorly developed: the conclusion is especially weak. This matters because a significant proportion of your score is down to how you develop ideas. It is much easier to do this in a 4 paragraph structure with well-formed introduction and conclusion and 2 main content paragraphs. Don't believe me? Try looking at any of the sample essays provided in the Cambridge exam books as being "good answers" prepared by examiners. I think you'll find that they are without exception 4 paragraph essays. The need to write 5 paragraphs is a myth.

If you are looking for a way to improve, i suggest you forget writing essays for now and concentrate on writing paragraphs. In my experience (and I have a lot of it), once you can write a good paragraph, then you can write an essay - which is after all a collection of linked paragraphs. A very common mistake is to insist on practising by only writing essays: in fact it is not necessarily the best way to prepare yourself. Start with paragraphs, then when you are ready move on to essays. Boring perhaps, but highly effective.